you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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