You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
