I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You left your phone here
Wait...
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