I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
