This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
