Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
