Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
