I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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