Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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