Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
