i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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