Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize