I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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