She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
