Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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