So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
