sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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