So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize