I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
