It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
