I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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