The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
