I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
