Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
