He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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