That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize