So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
