I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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