apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
