Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
