oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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