your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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