He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
