That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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