you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize