You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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