Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
