Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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