I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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