Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
