i don't like sucking hair
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
