"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
