I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
