I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
