Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
