So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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