Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
