At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
