I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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