On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
