How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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