There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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