FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
