I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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