it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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