My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
FUCK WHALES
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
