we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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