history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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