And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
