I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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